


Lifeline

by Kishi (el_o_l)



Series: I Write Sins Not Oneshots [11]
Category: Corpse Party (Video Game), Corpse Party: Tortured Souls
Genre: AU where Yoshiki is selfless, Angst, Arguing, CP, F/M, Heartbreak, Shinohara Seiko mention, Suzumoto Mayu mention, ayushiki, im sorry, sad sad angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-05 21:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14627070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/el_o_l/pseuds/Kishi
Summary: Yoshiki can't do what he knows is unfair on her, no matter how naive Ayumi is on the matter.





	Lifeline

"Kishinuma-kun."

The look in her eyes was odd. Yoshiki could not tell exactly what it was, because all that Shinozaki had ever given him were looks of annoyance, anger, hatred, and that of the such.

"What is it, Shinozaki?" He asked tentatively. She was either worried or nervous. Or pissed off, and being disappointed in him. It made him nervous. He never knew what to expect with her. He was often seen by others as a wild card, but then there was Shinozaki.

"I..." she started, and then closed her mouth again, lowering her head. Reluctant.

Why had she dragged him away from everybody else come the end of school? What had he done now? He'd upset her. He must have. It was always like this. Yoshiki would continue to try and get by with his life, and Shinozaki Ayumi would call him out consistently and hate him for the little things he did. They were too different. And he looked up to her for that.

"Fuck it," she suddenly blurted.

"What's wrong?" He asked her quickly, putting his hand on her shoulder. She was completely out of character, and he didn't even know how to react. How did people actually survive after a conversation with her? How did she not blow up in their faces? What was he doing wrong?

"I think I like you, Kishinuma-kun." She took Yoshiki's hand off of her. "I can't explain it. But I needed to say it. Whatever." ...

Of all the things Kishinuma Yoshiki had dealt with today, this was far the most unexpected of them all. He would never have seen it coming, even in a dream. As she tried to make her escape, Yoshiki stopped her again. Was this reality? Was he finally hearing these words out loud? And... she was just going to walk away?

"Wait, Shinozaki." He couldn't ignore this chance.

"I know," she said quietly. "I shouldn't have walked away. But I don't want to hear what you have to say." Harsh.

"Why?" He asked, because, put simply, he didn't know what else to say, but he did know that he didn't want Shinozaki to leave just yet. She had no clue how much he felt for her.

"... Why do I like you?" He nodded in response to her confirmation. "Because... look, I just said I can't explain! I don't know."

There was a pause. Yoshiki wanted to fall through the floor, straight to hell.

"Maybe... maybe because I know you're always looking out for me. Even if it's not in class, you find a way to look out for me, you stalker." He smiled wryly. "Look," she continued, "I shouldn't have even told you. But Shinohara-san and Suzumoto-San kept pushing me because they were certain that yo--" she closed her mouth abruptly.

What in the world was he supposed to say to her?

"Well, it's not exactly subtle, is it?" He replied slowly. He was in danger. He shouldn't - he shouldn't say anything. This matter was only going to get worse. There was no way to fix it.

But he was too far in now. There was no going back. It was a conversation that they were going to have eventually (though, he strongly doubted whether 'conversation' was really the right term for what was about to happen between the two teenagers), and so he figured he would just have to deal with it, whatever the outcome was. On second thoughts, no. This was a complete mistake. He should have let her run, like all of those cliche romance novels do. But he was too far in now, and there was no going back.

Fuck it.

"I like you too. Of course. I have for a while. You remember when we met, Shinozaki?" She nodded. "I liked you then. You were looking out for me, and you didn't even know me. It was like... a breath of fresh air. Least I can do is give you the same in return, right?" 

This time, she smiled.

"Yeah. At least I know you're not going to hate me now I've said that. This is so embarrassing."

Yoshiki knew that this was the part where he was supposed to make his move. They've both confessed, and every mutual friend they have secretly knows deep down the connection that he and Ayumi have, and he wants more than anyone and anything else on this god damn earth to do what he wants right now. He wished he was that selfish. But he couldn't do that to her, ever.

"Listen..." This time, Shinozaki was looking directly into Yoshiki's eyes as he spoke. Those eyes were hopeful, and it killed him inside. But he would rather do this, now, than leave it until later. He wasn't that selfish. "I... I want more than anything else right now to ask you to be with me. That would be great. A dream come true." A small smile. "But I can't."

The smile was gone. She was confused.

"Why?"

"Because..." Fuck. How was he supposed to tell her? He was too blunt to cover it up and simultaneously allow her to understand. But she was never going to understand. He had no choice.  Yoshiki took a deep breath.

"There's no other way I can say this, Shinozaki. It hurts, but believe me when I say that you don't want me." God, he knew that she was going to get mad. There was no getting out of it.

"What do you mean?" She raised her voice. "Are you telling me you know me better than I know myself?"

"No," he said quickly. "The opposite. Trust me, Shinozaki, you don't want to be with me. I'm not the type of person you'd want to date."

"Who ever said I wanted to date you, you idiot? Why would you say something like that and then claim that you won't go out with me? Couldn't have you just said that you didn't return my feelings enough for us to be together?"

He was seeing red.

"That's not what I mean!" Couldn't she see that it was breaking him inside? This is the opposite of what he wanted. "I'm an asshole."

"I know you're an asshole. Do you know how difficult it was for me to do this?" She yelled.

"This is difficult for me!" His eyes burned, and his chest was slowly beginning to ache. Talking about this, especially to her, was literally painful. She would never understand. They were too different. They were two sides of the same coin, and Yoshiki's side was lying face down in a dirty puddle on the street, while Shinozaki's side gleamed to the human eye, facing the sky.

"Just... just listen when I tell you that I can't be with you. I can't do that."

"But you haven't given a reason why! You're being difficult on purpose! God, you're always like this! What was I even expecting in the first place?" Yoshiki could see tears welling up in her eyes, and he could taste the dirty metallic water in his mouth.

For once, he said nothing.

And eventually, she ran.

He still ached all over, and he couldn't ignore it anymore. He stared firmly at the pavement as he walked home, determined to stop the burning in his eyes from getting out of hand. And as soon as he closed his apartment door, he closed all of his defences off, and he cried.

She would never understand what a disgusting and pathetic human being he was. Or maybe she already did. After all, he couldn't even tell her the reason why he turned her down. The entire time he'd known her, he'd been trying to chase after her, to try and get her to notice him. He'd had fantasies of what his life would be like even if he only had Shinozaki for just one day, and lived his life with the sole hope that, maybe one day, she'd come around. She finally came around, and he blew it. Again. He was useless at this kind of thing.

But deep down, he knew that she deserved someone so much better than him. He wouldn't be able to satisfy her. He couldn't do anything that - and, as much as it pained him to even think about it - someone like Satoshi could ever do for her. He would never be competent, and he knew that. He truly loved her. He wanted what was best. And so, he knew that this was the best way. Even if nobody took his side. He was sure that she'd complain about what a horrible man he was at school tomorrow. He didn't really care. He was used to throwing everything he had away, to his life blowing up in his face. It was bound to happen.

He tried to change, he really did. Shinozaki gave him a simple request - hold on until graduation. It was so difficult to stay in check, but he had managed so far. He thought... he thought that he really could do it. He could become a better person. Yoshiki knew what he wanted, and he knew that even his parents thought that he could turn his life around and make the right decisions for once. For as long as possible, he could do his homework, and be friendly with those that were friendly to him, and try not to hurt others' feelings even if he was blunt, and not start fights with students or teachers. He could turn up to school, and listen, and try on his tests. But he could only be successful for so long. He could control his temper for a short amount of time, and for a short time only.

Shinozaki didn't know what she was asking for.

She didn't want him. She wanted the person that he's pretended to be. Nobody could ever like him. That was ridiculous. He wasn't a delinquent or an idle person, it was just the way that he acted out. But even his true, honest self - he'd tried to be that several times, because he knew that a small part of himself was a good person that was always looking out for Shinozaki, but it wouldn't work.

He was weak, and he had no control. How could he had let it continue any further? At this stage, Shinozaki would get over her few feelings for him in days. He would never truly grow out of his love for her; he knew that; he had accepted it. But it was selfish for him to take such an admirable girl that he knew his pathetic self wouldn't be able to take care of or make happy. She had a bright future, whatever she wanted to do. She was that type of person. Yoshiki was a mess, and he wasn't going to get any better.

He looked at her like a lifeline, and he refused to pull the cord and drag her down with him.

**Author's Note:**

> As much as I want Ayushiki to be canon, and as much as Yoshiki wants it to be canon, I think his self-esteem would prevail. This is actually one of my favourites from my old collection (probably because its one of the later ones). Leave kudos if you enjoyed or give feedback in the comments :)


End file.
